Long... but worth reading

I have been away for some time. I have still been reading my favorite blogs, just not blogging myself. I have been dealing with so many emotions the last couple of weeks that I did not want to just unload all of them without thinking things through first. Part of me doesn't want to write this blog but I feel like it is unfair to myself and my readers to go on and act as though these events have not happened in my life. So the journey of finding out more of who I am and who God is starts here...

On February 1st a dear friend of mine lost her husband while he gained eternal life. To respect her privacy I will keep details to a minimum. Her husband went to see Jesus face to face in the middle of the night while they were sleeping. She is a mother to 4 beautiful small children. This is a wonderful family that is trying to put the pieces of their lives back together with one very big piece missing - dad. I must say watching all of this unfold in front of my eyes has pushed my faith.

I must explain that for four years I have battled panic attacks. It controlled me for about three of those years. The fear of being alone and the fear of dying were the chains that entangled me. God has been so patient with me. I have grow so much through these years. For the last year I have been panic-free. Every once in a while when I am over-tired or over-stressed its ugly head tries to come up again. When my friends life came to a stop somehow I allowed the door of fear to open back up.

So I have the door open to fear and my heart is weak and I feel as though I cannot take any more. Well... more comes. My son who is one year old wakes up in the middle of the night with breathing trouble. We try to give him some medicine through his nebulizer but it is not working. My husband and I make a mad rush to the hospital. On our way there we think things are getting better but as we get closer things get much worse. His breaths get really shallow and felt like they were almost coming to a stop. We get to the hospital and they work very hard on him. It turned out that he had the croup and because of his age and preexisting asthma it was pretty serious and very hard on him. We stayed in the ICU one night and on the floor another night. I can gladly report that he is doing very well now.

So what am I thinking all this time? So many thoughts... mostly thoughts that God is not good. When I am struggling with fear the enemy has a way to twist everything to make God look like the bad guy. My mind seems just weak enough to fall into his trap. I come the the realztion that I was trying to close the door on fear using my on hands. My hands are not strong enough to do anything on there own.

I am not always going to understand God's ways but I do understand HE is a God that sees the big picture. I get so wrapped up in my little life that I sometimes forget God has an eternal plan. Death may sting our hearts for now but not for long. Fear may chain us down for a time but not forever. Pain may come, tears may fall and at times we may feel like we got the short end of the stick but that is not the end of the story.

I have a loving God who took on the world and death just so I could be close to Him. I don't understand all the time why things happen the way they happen. When I think "Why?" too long my heart grows cold. So I think on the "Who?". I don't know all of God's plan for my life but I do know that my life is meant to bring Him glory. So today I just want to lift my heart up to God like Mary did when Gabriel the angel sent her the message that her life was about to take a turn she did not foresee. She responded by saying "I am the Lord's servant... may it be to me as you have said."

I am here to serve God. May I throw my preconceptions of the way life should look out the window and look to the plans that bring Him glory even if they cause me pain. My LORD is good - all the time!!!